Please, Smoke.

(This article was written by me and taken directly from the November, 2011 issue of the WBHS Paw Print.)

Dribbling all over yourself is usually the habit of a toddler. I say usually because there are those at school who partake in the dastardly habit of dipping, who have the oral tendencies of a infant who has yet to master the art of eating spaghetti.

Slapping the "dippers" on the hand and telling them over and over to stop their wicked ways is about as futile as making Amy Winehouse say "Yes, yes, yes." to rehab (too soon?)

Since there is no way to make them stop for medical reasons, let's make them stop so that we may live free from that oppressive tobacco muck that spews forth from their mouths.

You may be saying in a snarky tone, "Easier said that done." or "They're so hooked on the nicotine that they can't stop." I say to those people, you are right. My objective isn't to get the nicotine junkies off their smack, it's to get them to nurse their cravings in a more elegant and fashionable way.

The solution is simple, let them smoke. Smoking is dipping's swanky cousin. Sure it will end up killing you, but hey, dippers don't care. If they smoke, they can let their jaw rot away in style. More importantly, it gets rid of that sludge that they have to constantly spit out when they dip.

Let's bring back cigarette dispensing machines, let's set up Parisian style cafe tables outside the school so that they enjoy a cigarette in the warmth of the sun.

Remember, there is no cost too great in getting rid of the waste products from dipping; it must be eradicated at all costs.